I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Randomize