I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
