Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
