He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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