a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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