i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
