Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
