operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
