I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
