I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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