1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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