I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
