When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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