I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
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