Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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