first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
