Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
