I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just forgot I was standing up.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
