i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
