I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
We left the knife in your bed.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
