My first STD was from a foam party
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
