my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
