If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
