you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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