dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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