The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
