This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
