Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize