You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
you inspire me to be a worse person
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
