he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Is it because I queefed?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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