i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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