FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
