I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
