i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
