The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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