Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
