He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
