3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
if only i could text you this smell
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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