I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
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