somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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