I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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