That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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