I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
