so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
