I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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