I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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