Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
