So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I wish I only lived at night.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
