We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize