I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Randomize
