There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
