I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
