mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
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