I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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