im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize