She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
