sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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