OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
