don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
