6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
