she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize