It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
