dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
i think my cat just said my name.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
